


A Precious Thing

by Scriblit



Category: League of Gentlemen (TV)
Genre: Gen, spoilers for the revisit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scriblit/pseuds/Scriblit
Summary: I said on Twitter that I wanted the story of the drawn out battle between Edward & Papa Lazarou over ownership of Tubbs, and whether Tubbs is ever able to find her own way, and so I wrote it.





	A Precious Thing

**Author's Note:**

> There's a bit of body horror here, and spoilers for the last episode of LoG.

A Precious Thing

He was tired, but he’d never let the blighter know it. How long had he been fighting, now? His whole life, of course, and that accursed thing had been going on for too long for any man or beast to count. He’d fought and fought, and to what avail? Changes had still come. Others had still come. And now this! And now this. And when would it end, Tu… And when would it end?

It would end when this latest threat had been stamped out, is when! He’d faced down demons like this before, he’d been in a war! Once. There had been a field, and the screams of humans and horses intermingled. Blood and effluence, gushing hot. Steam rising from the entrails, yes, he’d been in a war! A war to protect… it had been to protect something. His way of life, yes, his freedom. His wife. His sister.

Once, this had all been fields. But his shop had always been there, and she had always been there. And then, in time, the fields were eaten up. Others came, and built their vile houses, factories, office blocks. “Gregg”, with his filthy pasties. And then one day they’d burned down his shop, he’d lost almost everything. Almost, because he’d still had her. And now, this… this… this CLOWN dared to take her away from him? He would not stand for this. He’d been in a war.

There was the sound of heavy movement from the shadows. A snuffling, suffering sob. He was used to that noise now, the sound of an incoming attack. He turned, just as the figure threw itself at him with a wretched scream. He was as prepared for its weak volley as he had been the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that. The precious things protected his skin well, stickytaped just so to his clothes. The Clown’s pathetic army was no match for his precious armour… she had kept the precious things well. Cared for them. His sweet Tubbs.

He dispatched this latest wailing assailant swiftly, with his lucky shard of glass. Blood and entrails, hot, he’d been in a war. It fell to the floor – so much thickly gushing meat.

‘Ahhhh,’ sighed a shadow. A voice all a-sing-song with mockery. ‘You killed my wife.’

Edward span and slashed at the shadow, but there was nothing there. Only darkness.

‘How many of my wives you think you can kill, Dave?’

‘You heard the man,’ he growled to the echoing tunnels. ‘How many wives CAN we kill? How many have we killed so far already?’

‘Ohhh, a great many, Dave,’ came the voice from all around. ‘Gotta tell you, Dave, with every one of my wives you kill, you wound me. A wife is a precious thing. Maybe one day, it will not be my wife you confront, it will be me. Would you like that, Dave?’

‘We just want to be left alone! Tubbs and I! What would you want with her? Touching her with your rough, foreign hands, bending her over and forcing her to perform sexual gymnastics that she never dreamed herself capable of… bringing her to shameful orgasm…’

‘I know the one of which you speak,’ interrupted the voice.

‘My wife.’

‘MY wife.’ 

‘Return her to me and we shall leave you in peace, we have no interest in your sordid exotic ways and sexual pleasures.’

‘I am afraid she is…’ and here he heard, very clearly, the sound of a top hat being removed and held respectfully over the breast of a waistcoat. ‘…no longer with us.’

Once it had just been fields, and the shop, and her. It had all been taken from him by these others. All of it. ALL. Well, he’d make them pay. He would WEAR this Clown. Wear him like a sticky boiler suit.

‘I think, Dave,’ came the voice, just by his ear, ‘that I would like to take you apart. Like a Legos. And then build you as a something else. Maybe a speedboat.’

Edward screamed with the thrill of pure white rage, clutched hard at his lucky shard of glass, and swung.

-x-

She was tired, but she wouldn’t let anyone know it. This was the city that never slept! Not-Ting-Ham! Not! Ting! Ham! She giggled, turning the sounds over and over in her mouth. Like a ham that’s not a ting. Lights! And lights and lights and so many! Roads! Cars, hello car! They had theatre here! It had a travelling production of Sunset Boulevard and she was going to see it. The poster had asked for pounds to see the play though, and she didn’t have pounds. Also, the vegetable man had wanted pences for an onion and she didn’t have pences either, but she had shinies! Twelvety shiny rings had come away when she’d managed to flee that Clown, she just had to prize them off. Maybe shinies could be bartered for pounds? Edward would know what to d…

She stopped.

But Edward wasn’t here. He would never have allowed her to Not Ting Ham, just like that Clown had never allowed her to look him directly in the eye. Well… she was going to start allowing herself things. She was going to start with… with…

-x-

Zuza smiled politely as the dishevelled and dirty woman shuffled in. Of course Zuza smiled, it was Zuza’s job. If this disgusting woman wanted some mid range high street Italian food, Zuza was being paid to give her said food, and a smile.

‘Welcome to Prezzo,’ smiled Zuza, is it a table for one?’

‘Oh no, I don’t want to buy a table, just some pastas.’ The woman reached into the recesses of her apron and pulled out a severed finger. Zuza was already pressing the panic button by the time the woman had pulled a diamond ring from it with her teeth and slammed it on the counter. The woman blinked at the menu and then smiled brightly at Zuza.

‘One Tagg Lala Tail, please!’


End file.
